life is beautiful....

Life is beautiful and sometimes it is difficult to remember the small things that make everything worthwhile. We get entangled in the smaller stuff, the soggier stuff that bogs us down. We lose sight of the bigger things, the simpler things that help us keep the faith. Sometimes more than other times, rather I have to acknowledge it is more frequent that I would care to admit, I have to pause and see things that I forget! Sometimes constantly remind myself of their existence in my life...
I wonder why is it such an effort??

friendship

I fail to understand what kind of friends we are? It is strange because I know in some warped way, we are friends. I know your darkest secrets (or at least that is what you lead me to believe!!) and you know everything about my life (the all and sundry most mundane issues and the deep dark secrets in my closet). But then there are these aspects of your life that I have no clue about and I fail to understand the compartmentalization that you feel is needed in your life. As close friends I think I should share all aspects of my life with you and I am not saying that you should too, but then how is an interaction going to function if it is always that you are busy with 'something'. It is always 'something'. What is the big secret? Why is it so difficult to say 'I am going to out with so and so, or I am going to work out or I am reading or whatever is it that this 'something' is????
Can you imagine what kind of interaction this would turn out to be if I also said that I was busy with something and that something was going on and something this and something that. All we would have is somethings. Or probably you would not care because it does not matter to you in the first place.
I sometimes feel this is a situational interaction or friendship in the first place. We are working together and have some aspects to our lives that are more common with each other than other individuals, thus we are friends. These constraints or commonalities throw us together more often and thus we end up thinking we are close friends. But in actuality we would never have interacted with each other if there was more choice in terms of what we could do or who we could interact with and simply by that logic, this relationship is going to die once the situation changes.
Why does it bother me so much then? Just live and let live...enjoy whatever fun times we have while they last and then move on with good memories of this interaction....now if only I could really implement this....life would be great for both of us!!

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is a beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is life, fight for it!
- Mother Teresa

Sometimes life just does not seem worth it. Nothing seems to be right (or again, it is right in reality, but one is not able to see it!!) And one wants to just let go....but then something stops us ~ a little voice inside our head....
what is it that you want?
Donnno....why can I not be happy...
How can you be ~ if you look for it outside of you...
look inside..and you'll find a lot to be happy with...
Ha!! see, easier said that done...
who said life was easy in the first place?
There are some who we think have it easy from our vantage point...but we do not know of their struggles, their issues, problems etc...how can you think they are happy or not?
Really, try to be aware of the good things that you have ~ I know I know...easier said than done, but it can be done....its not impossible..so do it....because you know that you can do it!!! Have done it before...right!!? and that was successful....so do it...

thoughts...more random ones...

Some times there are things that we really really want and hope would happen...
But, they don't...
And then we look around at people who have what we really wanted...and then things don't go so well...
We can and more often than not, feel really upset about this situation, sometimes when the emotions ebb we can rationalize the situation, think that it was not meant to be...
More doors will open...we just need to be aware of them...
Opportunities come our way ~ we need to be aware of their existence and attempt to grab them as and when we can....
Such is life...can we give up on it????
Can we just let go ~ and hope things will work out our way...or do we have to fight always.....????

some random thoughts...

Some times its difficult to move on ~ be it from a job, or a relationship, or a place ~ even though we know that it is time to move on....
It is time usually because there is no growth of any fashion, there is feeling of stagnation, or depression, apathy, burnout, undue stress or anxiety, loneliness....and yet we drag our feet through this change....I wonder why?

Is it that the fear of unknown is worse than the present state which is undesirable too?
We do not want this and we do not know where to go either....questions, confusion, ambiguity ~

Yet, decisions have to be made sooner or later....
Opportunities come our way and have to grabbed sometimes....regardless of the joy ride they take us on....but again, this is easier said than done...

Some times we know facts and reality are very different from what our heart wants ~
we know that things are they way they are for a reason even though we do not understand the reason, our heart wants it to change with its every beat, even though it knows that what it wants is not possible, yet it wants...

And then when we do not get what we want, even though we knew in the first place that we were never going to get it, we get hurt, bitter, sometimes indulge in self pity....

I wonder why???

Restless...

I am feeling very restless for the last couple of days. Nothing seems to be going in the right direction, or maybe it is going in the direction it is meant to be, just not in the direction I want it to go!! That is usually a problem ~ experientially, it is time to start looking at new avenues, but emotionally I am not ready for it.
What do I do with boxes full of data that I have collected over the last few months when a preliminary analysis is indicating that it is all useless. Not a single remotely useful and interesting hypothesis is supported. Granted that this is not all the data, rather it is not even the actual one, yet the relationships are the same and should stand to be supported, one way or the other. People tell me that I am very hard on myself. Just setting some standards that I want to attain doesnot really mean that or does it? May be I am not really giving other aspects of my life a chance....maybe this is really running away from other realities of life...or maybe I really enjoy doing what I do and do not really want to invest time in other aspects of life. Sounds silly, I guess...one should experience all facets of life...
One friend I think is trying to come out and I am feeling a little incompetent in helping him through this process. It certainly is painful for him to acknowledge this and I have to deal with a lot of his mood swings. I have never really dealt with a close interaction that is not professional in nature, in which someone is trying to figure out their sexuality. I am involved in this one and though I had indicated that he should seek others, he needs me as a friend. Although I am certainly trying to be what he wants, it is a difficult situation for me. I go through a lot of emotions with him as he is dealing with an attraction at work and a pushy girl friend who wants to get married simultaneouly that triggered this process.

Rejection...

Rejection hurts...sometimes it hurts more than other times, but you bet it hurts...
And this could be any kind of rejection ~ be it a rejection letter from a job, or rejection in social interactions, or rejection in intimate relationships....the more we want something, the more we invest in it, and the more rejection hurts.
If we are able to attribute this rejection to a system, sometimes, it is easier to handle it. If it is attributed to a person, it usually is more difficult to deal with. Also, depending on our personality, values, and beliefs some individuals are more expressive than others. Some deal with it by retaliation, others by introspection, and some others by whatever ways and means that work for them.
Rejection ~ consistent and frequent in some specific areas of life is a stressor that has the potential of affecting our self esteem. Yet, it is important to experience rejection, sometimes. It is important because being rejected gives one an insight into how life is not going to give us what we want always. Sometimes, it starts with a small 'NO' that parents tell their children on various occassions.
Life is full of experiences and we need to keep taking these risks in life. Need to keep sticking our necks out and taking risks, regardless of whether we will be successful or not, because it is usually the process that matters more than the outcome....or so we tell ourselves!!!

friendship...

Friends, friendship ~ words that are common to us ~ all of us, and we use them in our lives to identify individuals and relationships. We operationalize these in different ways, categorize people in life in those categories of friendships and for some they play a more important role than others. Yet we all have friends and maintain friendships. This term is used more loosely as sometimes it is used to describe everyone from an acquaintance to a romantic partner.

Some place more importance on friends than their significant others, for some significant others are the closest of friends.
Historically the intensity and depth of feeling about a best friendship have been expressed in terms of mingling and blending of essenses between two people. Such friendship is often depicted as more important than love.

Ofcourse there are various levels or types of friendships such as situational friendships, emotional friendships, inspirational friendships, and casual friendships. Although at some level, an attempt to quantify, measure, assess, categorize, rationalize or simply speak of friendship might ironically contradict its very appeal -- that is an emotional connection with another person.

Can a man and woman be close friends, then, really close friends, without having any sexual connotations to their interactions? And if so, why does society not be able to accept that relationship for what it is?

settled

"So when are you planning to settle down?"

"I am settled"

"No, not like this, when are you planning to settled down in life?"

"Not sure what you mean by settled down in life? What makes you think that I am not settled?"
"I have a career, I have friends, family, an apartment, no pets, some bank balance - what more is needed to feel settled in life?"

"Well, all this is not enough. You need to have a husband and a family of your own to be settled in life?"

"So whatever I have does not matter? My parents are not my family, my career and education is not important and the feeling of being settled is contingent on a MAN!!"

Perplexed and confused.

Patronizing explaination follows.

"It does, but only after you have a family of your own. Your parents are not going to be around for ever. You will not be able to derive the satisfaction that people get from a husband and family only from your career. You have not experienced your womanhood completely yet. To be a complete woman, you need to have the experience of childbirth and motherhood."

"Reallllllyyyyy????"

lost

He had come into my life one day and today I think I have lost him...
Though I think I never had him in the first place...
these things are so difficult to know sometimes...yet some find it easy or so they say...
These days I am not sure about anything...but then when was I ever!!

So when he had said "I love you" ~ I had not reacted...because I was not sure what to say or do...I was not sure if he was saying it because he really meant it or was it just because he had no other experience or exposure to anyone else...If he had been unable to explore options...how was he to know that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me without really knowing me at all or again so I thought....and thus no reaction...

He said that again after some time...and again I gave him no reaction. This time it was me not really sure if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him especially now that I knew that we were very different. I am sure he was aware of it too...yet he said it again and I was taken aback. Foolish me or reckless him....not sure...

And now, some time later...I know that I can spend the rest of my life with him...it is not going to be easy...but I know that he adores me and will stand by me through thick or thin....through fun and sad times....although we will still have problems understanding each other, for he wants me to read between lines and I want him to be upfront and say it...use semantics to express himself....and he wants meta-communication...big problem!! And this is not it....

But what is the point in all this...I know that he has drifted away....his behavior has changed.
He no longer is waiting for me or my answer...and I do not blame him for it....I am not sure if I would have stuck around for as long as he did in the first place...

Yet ~ I am not sure when I will ever have the guts to take this risk in life....when will I be ready for a commitment...

But for now I wish him all the best and hope he finds in life what he is looking for....
And I will hope that next time I donot feel so confused in this process....